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Comes Apart

by Future Boy

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1.
Writing about writing is the worst way to start No one gives a shit about self-referential art I'd like to think I could craft a song that comes straight from the heart But that's a daunting task with a heart that's torn apart I wonder who's to blame for this sad state of affairs Who brought me to this place of broken dreams and silent tears I'd scream but who would listen to my deepest, darkest fears And anyway I doubt that there's a soul who even cares When I look in the mirror every morning I wonder why that other guy is there He says, "You know, I used to know you better" And always I reply with just a nod and empty stare When I look back at things I wrote ten years ago today They read as if I'd written them only yesterday I can't say that I've ever had much else I need to say It's possible I'll never change and have always been this way When I look in the mirror every morning I see a man who's always half asleep He says, "You know, I used to know you better" I say, "The man you used know is a better man than me" Can we change? Can a person ever change? It's so strange that I age but don't mature I filled my brain with lots of books about compassion And yet I curse myself for feeling insecure When I look in the mirror every morning That other guy is staring back at me I say, "I swear I used to know you better" He says, "The guy you used to know is who you want to be. And the better that you know him, the sooner you'll be free."
2.
I live my life behind a mask And it's not an easy task To hide every part of me That I don't want to be seen It protects me, keeps me safe It allows me to escape From the danger that awaits When I wake up every day Who's behind it, you might wonder If I told you, it would crumble It's a patchwork and a jumble A crude paper mache A mask of make nice A mask of pleasing for the praise A mask of sacrifice A mask of vulnerable displays A mask that catches every insult and won't put up a fight A mask that holds you close then leaves you in the middle of the night Oh and sometimes for a moment I'll let out a little light To see if any gets reflected back And if I sense a signal that seems to say CQ Then I might let you see me naked, but you'll never see me nude I live my life behind a mask And it's not an easy task To hide every part of me That I don't want to be seen It protects me, keeps me safe It allows me to escape From the danger that awaits When I wake up every day
3.
I need my personal, personal, personal space I need my personal, personal, personal space x2 I need a dark room where I can ruminate on all the doom and gloom that I can't escape I need to close my eyes and try to visualize all of my personal, personal, personal space all of my personal, personal, personal space x2 I need a small cell away from cell phones where I can ring a bell with lots of overtones during the reverb is when I calm my nerves inside my personal, personal, personal space inside my personal, personal, personal space x2 sometimes the world is loud my thoughts grow louder still they form a swirling cloud making demands I can't fulfill if I can't take control then I might lose control of all my personal, personal, personal space of all my personal, personal, personal space x2 I want to be alone but not be lonely I let my feelings show so you can know me oh please don't misconstrue when I request of you I need my personal, personal, personal space I need my personal, personal, personal space etc.
4.
I am constantly trying to solve So many problems that can't be resolved Since they haven't actually occurred And the contents are merely inferred From a model that formed in my brain Based on details that I've ascertained During limited interactions That involved many strong emotions I imagine myself as the cause The effect is to point out my flaws Then my shame makes me raise a defense Which is fragile and lacks coherence I can't convey anything to repair All of the harm that I've done unaware I'm afraid of the change to be made I focus on losses instead of the gains I think that I'm smarter and better prepared I don't want to admit I feel helpless and scared If I'm not the one calling the shots Will anyone praise my incredible thoughts Will the future remember my name Will my struggling all be in vain My mind circles until I feel lost I want it to stop but I can't turn it off
5.
There was a disembodied voice inside of my head It said, "You oughta be dead, you really oughta be dead" I said, "But what if I decide to stay alive instead And take you out my head?" So I took it out of my head. I reached between the folds of my grey matter With a toothpick and a piece of gum It gave the voice something to chew on While I tried to figure out where it had come from Now there's a disembodied voice living under my bed And it still wants me dead, yeah it still wants me dead I say, "Let's have a conversation about life instead. What are the things you dread? What are the fears you've bred?" The disembodied voice took a deep breath And prepared to rattle off a list But my mind wandered off into the distant past And thought about the girls that I'd never kissed... No one loves you No one cares No one notices No one dares To reach out when you're in pain To hold your hand in the rain You'll be alone till the end Cuz I'm the only friend You'll ever have I asked the voice for some proof Expecting only flimsy excuses It said, Here is the truth: You're just a mediocre middle aged white dude You're just a mediocre middle aged white dude You're just a mediocre middle aged white dude You're just a mediocre middle aged white dude
6.
I lost my voice in the mail And someone stole my sense of self-preservation Now there's no wind in the sails Of this ship without a clear destination I want to sleep all the time But my dreams are just a state of confusion And when I open my eyes My mind explodes with a profusion of thoughts A litany of Oughts and Shoulds Of What-Ifs, Maybes, and Wish-I-Coulds Of I'm not being good enough When a lungful of smoke is "rough" for me While folks are beaten and gassed in the streets When chlorine and prayers are what passes for science While shares of monopolies double in size And the wise nod their heads While covering their mouths In a silent shout Last night I woke up with a start And placed a hand on my racing heart A smoky figure hovered near (and whispered) Better luck next year
7.
Well the cops are killin teens and no one knows what it means So we tweet about our horror and confusion And we thought we were progressin so it's been a bitter lesson That regression is the state of the union Yah when Lincoln freed the slaves turns out that nothing really changed The Civil War shoulda been a cultural revolution But the men they left in charge were more like criminals at large Who just remodeled their oppressive institutions Well we thought we rose above but it's all under the rug And we shrug when we're asked how it got there Well your privilege was won with the rope and the gun So I suggest you reconsider what you think is "fair" The state of the union's in a pretty sad state The fate of all humans isn't looking so great Propagandic politics keep people polarized If we don't come together we'll never survive I'm tryin to open my eyes tryin to not act surprised I wanna see the ways my country is failin All this politics of hope has turned into a shitty joke We sell the hammers that are drivin all the nails in We send our children overseas to murder kids they never see And give police the tools of foreign occupation We sweep the streets of human beings and claim it helps community While gentrifying every corner of the nation Well we might still rise above if we learn how to love And find a glove that fits the fist that fights for justice So let's put our fears aside and help the margins decide How to transform this racist state before it crushes us The state of the union's in a pretty sad state The fate of all humans isn't looking so great Propagandic politics keep people polarized If we don't come together we'll never survive
8.
This is how it comes apart These broken pieces of my aching heart This isolation making me insane So all I see in the world is pain Another black man shot down by law Where the Liberty Bell was cracked long ago They cry for justice, take to the streets To wake us up from the American Dream We need change We need to look at who we are We need to name all the sins of our fathers Of our mothers and brothers, of our friends and our lovers And see that this is how it comes apart We think we know what the world needs best Clutch our pearls tightly to our chests How would it feel if we just let go And admitted to ourselves that we really don't know We live on stolen land Our cities are open sores And yet it all is planned To keep us always wanting more and more and more and more We need change We need to look at what we've done We need to name all the sins of our fathers Of our mother and brothers, of our friends and our lovers And see how far apart we've all become I am trying to find a way to keep it together Everything feels shaky in this earthquake weather Asked a tree what it thought about the mess we're in It said, "I die in the Fall and in the Spring I come alive again." We need change We need to write a brand new song We need to name all the strengths of our fathers Of our mothers and brothers, of our friends and our lovers And see a world where we can all belong
9.
Up on the roof I look out at the world With my head in the clouds No mountain today The sun's behind haze And I can't see the Sound I heard that the hills are on fire And we might not live to see tomorrow Cuz the smoke is rolling in And when the smoke comes rolling in Will you stand with me through thick and thin To make the crack where light gets in When the smoke comes rolling in Instinct is telling me Cover my face And get lost in the crowd The snap, crackle, pop Drives me back to the roof Where I still hear the sounds It looks like the precinct's on fire And they might not live to see tomorrow Cuz the smoke is rolling in And when the smoke comes rolling in Will you stand with me through thick and thin To make the crack where light gets in When the smoke comes rolling in Inside my house I retreat from the world With a head full of doubt No smiling today My mind's in a haze I am feeling unsound My body feels like it's on fire And I might not live to see tomorrow Cuz the smoke is rolling in And when the smoke comes rolling in I will stand with you through thick and thin To make the crack where light gets in When the smoke comes rolling in And when the smoke comes rolling in We will fight through thick and thin Oh we will be the crack where light gets in When the smoke comes rolling in

about

Most of these songs were written between 2019 and 2022 while we collectively experienced a global pandemic and social uprisings over racist state violence. During that same period, I found myself feeling estranged from my partner, my friends, and myself. I left my partner in May of 2020 and moved to Seattle because we could not find a way through to reconnection. I turned to political organizing and personal emotional work, both difficult for me, and both still works in progress. My hope is that there will be at least a few people who will resonate with these songs and feel less alone and that even though the world is full of violence and suffering, we will not succumb to hopelessness, but instead find a way forward to liberation.

credits

released January 6, 2023

Writing, Recording, Mixing, and Mastering: Damien Quartz
Guitar: Mo Ouyang
Feedback and support: Yaks of the Industry
Album Art Photo: Jo Lammert

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Future Boy Seattle, Washington

Future Boy has been releasing music on the internet since August, 2003 when he entered his first Songfight.

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